Quixotic Details of My Mind

I am single now and I am grateful. I felt guilty during the end of my relationship with Josh because, even though I love him, I longed to be alone. I need to be alone right now. I moved into my mother’s house two weeks ago and I’m really enjoying it. It’s feels amazing to sleep alone and when I’m not working, I can do whatever I want. I know it’s selfish, but I fucking love the freedom.

I’m still working on the memoir, but I’ve made very little progress on the actual rewrites of the story. My mind war continues to be waged. I do have a beautiful cover (picture at bottom) and a new title: No Lies: A Memoir of Love & Deceit. I’ve made the decision that I will only change one name, my mother’s boyfriend/fiance, because, if he’s alive, he doesn’t deserve any backlash. Rob can go fuck himself. 🙂

I’ve also decided to publish this book under my maiden name and I’m considering reverting back to Wiseman legally as well. Hutzenbuhler was Lance’s last name and when we divorced, I just didn’t feel like Kailei Wiseman anymore because I had changed so much in our short marriage. As I discover more of myself, I don’t really feel like Kailei Hutzenbuhler either. My step-dad suggested just creating a new last name that suits me. I think it’ll be awhile before I make that decision.

The Postal Service performed at Red Rocks Amphitheatre on Thursday night. I had purchased 4 tickets back in March and as each day passed, I grew more excited. Basically everyone in my life knew how thrilled I was to see them live, especially at such a beautiful venue. When Thursday finally rolled around, I was above the moon with happiness. My best girl friend was back from Europe and we were going to enjoy an amazing show.

Around 4:30 that day, her car broke down. I knew we weren’t going, even though we’d planned to take her boyfriend’s car. By the time that hers was taken care of, The Postal Service was performing. We were at least an hour away, if there was no traffic in Denver. I know Caitlyn and Matt felt bad, but it was obviously no one’s fault. Just unfortunate events.

That night was more painful for me that it should have been. I absolutely hate crying in front of people so I avoided my family. I would have called Sean (my best friend), but my cell phone doesn’t have service at the new house. I texted a friend to ask if he would come to comfort me. Looking back, I’m glad he couldn’t. For the first time in a long time, I had to deal with pain alone.

This is an excerpt from the journal entry written the following day:

“I cried last night, basically anytime I thought of what I missed. Which was often, especially once I tried to go to sleep. My sleeping pills will not quiet a chaotic mind. I felt ridiculous for feeling so upset about missing the concert. I was crying harder than I did after Josh and I broke up. I mean, I literally cried for hours. Over a concert. Doesn’t that seem silly? It’s not like anyone died. That thought put my emotions into perspective last night. It occurred to me how ridiculous I was being and my sobs were replaced with sniffles. I was able to sleep.”

Perspective is important and I try to be better than most about seeing my situations from the outside. Missing the concert was a tiny lesson meant to be applied to my memoir. (I’ll see what I wanna see.) I think perspective and reflections would greatly enhance the story. I think the most important part is how much he has impacted me, even 8 years later.

I have today and tomorrow off from work so I’m going to dedicate a lot of time to the rewrites. The longer that I procrastinate, the more time it will take to complete this book. It’s not going anywhere unless I make the effort so that’s step 1. Just gotta do it.

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