The title of my blog is “Perpetually Quixotic,” my two favorite words. I’m often asked what they mean so I’ll provide that here for future reference. First, Perpetual means everlasting or continuing for an indefinite amount of time. Quixotic was created by Miguel de Cervantes, the author of Don Quixote (full title: The Ingenious Gentleman Don Quixote of La Mancha). To me, quixotic means to be impulsive or unpredictable.
Definitions are very important, especially when it comes to emotions. As I write my memoirs, I’m finding that most of my life holds undefined feelings. So many events of my past have been left unexamined and I don’t believe that it’s enough just to tell a story. These experiences have defined me and in order for me to find out the definition of me, it’s important to clarify those events in my memory.
This all started with my boyfriend. We’ve known each other for almost a year and the beginning was pretty rough, but we’ve been dating continuously for about seven months. For the first six months of us, I was adamant that I did not love him- never would, just couldn’t. And for the next four, I conceded the point that I do love him but added the clause that I wouldn’t forever. Then on New Year’s Eve, he half asked, “Would you marry me?”
The question didn’t freak me out as much as I thought it would and that fact made me freak out. I had made a list of NY Resolutions and the first (read: most important) goal was to write every day. In the beginning, it started as journaling. I wrote every day, usually twice or more, and I became very introspective. I’ve always been a questioner but, for the first time, I was turning those questions inward to truly define how I feel.
Eventually, I came to realize that there’s just no one else in the world I’d rather be with than Josh. Fear was a strong motivator for me after my divorce and I was deathly afraid of being wrong about my feelings again. With Josh, I erred on the side of caution because I didn’t want to hurt him. I didn’t want to let him down and so I gave him low expectations. That was just fear taking over my mind. On paper, we shouldn’t work- we should be a walking relationship disaster. Instead, in real life, we work perfectly. Not effortlessly because my god, sometimes it takes effort. But the love we share and the connection we have will always outway all of the fights we’ll ever have.
Once I had defined my feelings for Josh, I questioned myself further. I looked deeper into my friendships and past relationships. I analyzed my behavior and figured out reasons for my actions. My journaling took on it’s own life and has given me courage and peace of mind to continue with writing.
Since I was young, I knew I would write a book someday. And I always kept trying but it never fit. I knew there was a specific book I was supposed to write and when I’d start on a new project, at first I would be excited, but ultimately- it just didn’t feel right. I think I wasn’t ready for it yet. Even as mature as I was at 16 or 21, I wasn’t prepared enough to handle my demons. I’m thankful that now, at 24, I can face them. I’ve realized that my past only holds the emotions that I give it so instead of dwelling on how destructive those experiences were, I look at how it changed me in positive ways.
This book will be the definition of me. Everything that made me who I am and how I feel about it. And what I plan to do with those experiences. I truly believe that life is what you make of it and I plan to make mine as spectacular as possible.