I’m Afraid (an update on my latest WIP)

I got an email last night from my editor with her notes on my recent work-in-progress. I haven’t talked much about this book because it’s so personal for me. It’s a true story and that makes it ridiculously difficult to get it right. Reality is all based on perception so I’m terrified I’ll get some “facts” wrong.

The story takes place while I was attending high school in Maryland and right now, it reads like a boring chronology. Sarah (my editor) articulated what I was feeling about the book – it lacks emotion. It lacks depth. This is because I am afraid. I am afraid I will write those emotions and then feel them as deeply as I did then. This man has wrecked me over and over, merely with the memories of our time together. We knew each other and talked as close friends for less than a year. It’s been 8 years since I saw his face. And pathetically, I let him haunt me still.

I always knew this would be my first book. Since it happened, I knew. I had to tell my side of it because I was silenced back then. I was told to lie, for his sake. But immediately after I left Maryland, I was still broken and couldn’t tell my tale yet. I got married and got divorced. I moved  back to Maryland, six years after I fled, and even then, the pain was still too much for me to bear. I couldn’t face it all yet.

I only became brave enough to put it all down on paper in the last six months. I mean, I’ve tried to write the story a million times so I have snipits that I’ve compiled over the years. I wrote and tried to include everything that was important, but Sarah tells me I’m missing a lot of background and personality. She asked me about what music I listened to back then and it brought me to my reason for my superficial writing: I am afraid.

Music is a totally emotional experience for me. It’s not just notes and lyrics. Combine a passion for music with a trainwreck love story and you have Taking Back Sunday. At least for me, especially with certain songs released during that time, those lyrics could have been specifically tailored for us. And that’s truthfully why I omitted talking about music altogether. It’s not just a subject that I can just touch on. There’s lyrics I would want to quote and that costs money in the publishing world. Without those specific words, I’m afraid it won’t be complete. Maybe I’m just putting too much stock in words, as always.

Sarah also mentioned to me that I should be more descriptive about what he told me. I’m purposefully vague when it comes to the secrets that this man confided in me. Some of them, I don’t remember. But most are burned in my memory. There are both trivial and serious secrets he shared with me, but my heart tells me not to reveal any of them, except what directly involves me. I don’t think I have the right to tell those other things. They’re not my stories to tell…

I can see where she’s coming from. The reader is going to be curious about what he told me. And I know it probably doesn’t matter at this point, right? I haven’t talked to him in years. When I’ve tried, it’s been pathetic. He probably didn’t ever actually love me and he doesn’t really deserve my loyalty, does he? Regardless of every reason why I shouldn’t, I will always try to protect him.

Ha. I talk about protecting him while I’m discussing my book that’s going to be published detailing our friendship. And it won’t be hard to guess his name. There are lots of people in my life who would read just this entry and know exactly who I mean. And if curious readers are interested, Google is a magnificent tool.

I want my book to be successful. What writer doesn’t? But I am also afraid of that because it would probably harm him. I still love him. I don’t want to ruin his life all over again. I’m certain he doesn’t even think of me anymore. If my book does really well, then it’ll bring back everything. I know that I hurt him back then, but he had the advantage of having a fully developed brain. He probably bounced back relatively quickly while that event was etched into my personality. He impacted me in countless ways.

I don’t really go into that side of things in the book. I thought reflections would be improperly placed along the plotline. That’s why I wrote a terrible Prologue which gives you every important fact of my childhood right from the get-go. I’m thinking that’s probably not my best route.

I just have to tell the story better. But here’s my problem: part of me doesn’t want to because it could hurt him, another part is afraid to get my heart broken again, and the third is just screaming, “YOU HAVE TO!” How do I resolve this conflict? How do I quiet two-thirds of my mind on this matter?

I wonder what the final draft will look like…

I Believe in Liberty

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.”

Those words are from the United States’ Declaration of Independence and most of us know that last phrase, but have you ever stopped to think about what it really means? Both “Life” and “the pursuit of Happiness” are difficult to accurately define, which is why the Bill of Rights was created. I think our Founding Fathers wrote it that way intentionally, because how else can you pinpoint basic human rights? Some of it needed to be left to interpretation because they knew times would change. Life for our citizens would change so it would have been impossible to be specific and all-inclusive for future generations.

Even the phrase “all men are created equal” has had a fluid definition. At first, it meant “all white men,” but through societal changes, it  means almost everyone now.

But Liberty is different. To me,  it means freedom from government control. I believe our Fathers would agree.  They envisioned a country that would support it’s people, not control or restrict them. My best friend defines Liberty as, “allowing people to do things that you don’t agree with.” In essence- the freedom of choice.

The recently renewed gun control debate has weighed heavily on my mind. On the one hand, it makes sense to ban large magazines and assault rifles because, in theory, it would protect our citizens from devastating mass-shootings. However,  that line of thinking is motivated by fear and we cannot allow our minds to fall into that trap.

Gun control, gay marriage, marijuana… it’s all about the same thing: basic human rights. One side tells us we can’t and the other fights for the right to say we can. In my mind, each of these arguments is settled easily: Every person has the right to do whatever they want with their lives. We have the right to take poisonous drugs. We have the right to end our own life. We have the right to amass a shed full of weapons.

However, our rights stop when we harm others. It’s okay to have an arsenal, as long you don’t shoot anyone. It’s okay to shoot up heroin, as long as the needle is in your vein. When your desires negatively impact others, there should be consequences but there should not be consequences to “harming” ourselves. We have the right to make that choice.

The tricky thing about this subject is that both of our major political parties are looking to regulate our liberties. Most of our politicians in office right now want to restrict our rights according to their personal beliefs. I want it to be crystal clear: This is wrong. As a country, we need to move away from those constraining thoughts. We need to believe in Liberty again.

Enter Libertarians, what I like to call the “common sense” party. They believe in personal rights and responsibilities. Their slogan says it all: “Minimum Government, Maximum Freedom.” This is the time for us to say that we’ve had enough of the government infringing upon our liberties. This is our chance to manifest change in our country. “It can’t/won’t happen” is just an excuse not to try.

“That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.”

Journaling is Awesome

When I was a teenager, I kept a diary. But life got busy  and I stopped journaling consistently. I’d write creatively sometimes, but journal entries were only written in times of crisis. I was a self-hater already and journaling made it worse because I would write about what a terrible person I was.

This is how the war was waged for years. I always knew that writing more often would keep my crazy in check, but I couldn’t make myself do it. My only experiences with journaling had been tragic so I was scared that I would be hurt again by my past. For a very long time, I thought I could only write when I was sad. That was the only time the words flowed.

I should stress that I view journaling and blogging very differently. It’s hard to be completely honest with yourself if your words are going to be seen  by an audience. It’s like showering on stage, but worse. This is your soul you’re baring, not just skin, and it has the potential to reach millions of people. Scary.

At first, I started slowly, chronicling my days and my plans. After a couple of months (because I’m a slow learner), my writing became deep and soulful. I reflected on my past and was able to  identify flaws in my character with clarity. Staring at physical proof of my mistakes was difficult, but it gave me a sort of peace I can’t quite describe.

Life is about being happy, right? And I believe true happiness comes from knowing yourself. I see the issues I have, but they don’t scare me anymore because I understand them.

I strongly recommend that everyone keeps a private journal. The rewards far exceed any risk. My advice is to start slow, with an “introduction” post detailing the basics of your life: your family and friends, work, school, whatever you feel is important. And from there, write whatever you want, without fear. Write whatever comes to mind, even if you don’t understand it. Journaling can lead to understanding.

And try to be as honest with yourself as possible. You will absolutely lie in those pages, but try to catch yourself when you do it. Examine what your thoughts mean and listen to your heart. You will be happier for it.

New fiction series & updates on NY resolutions

The novel has been been put on hold for now. I need to do more reflection on my past. There are still many dark corners I haven’t explored. I need to do a bit more growing and maturing before I can write these memoirs.

I have started writing a fiction series. The overall series will titled “Sex & Weed.” I think it’ll be categorized as New Adult in the Romance genre. At first, I was just getting to know a new character I’d been thinking about recently. I created her background and decided on all of the major character flaws/virtues she possesses. The story just came from there. There are so many of her stories that I want to tell so I believe this will end up being a series with 5 or more books. I’m planning for each book to be about 10,000 to 15,000 words for the first draft. I’ll probably end up cutting that in half before publishing.

I am pleasantly surprised by this new turn of events in my writing, but I’m also nervous about it. I’m unused to writing fiction (haven’t done it since high school) and I fear I am rusty. My dialogue is shitty and my transitions are awkward. I’m going to keep writing though and just have faith that eventually I’ll get better. Practice makes perfect and though it’s silly to strive for that, it’ll always be my goal.

Pink

I decided a few days ago that I’m using this WordPress blog to write about whatever I want. I can’t do “theme” blogs because I don’t have a one-track mind like that. My mind jumps to whatever subject I feel passionate about and there are many, many things that I love.

The color pink is my favorite. My first wedding was a beautiful splash of multiple shades of pink and white as the secondary color. I’ve loved pink since I was a kid, though my first favorite color was dark purple.

The ring that Josh bought me for Valentine’s Day this year has three pink sapphires with a silver design connecting the stones. Truly, it’s the most beautiful ring I’ve ever put on my finger. I’m currently drinking from my tall hot pink water cup, which I stole from my mother’s house. My pink laptop was a Christmas gift from Josh and my dad gave me a pink camera for my birthday last year.

I never get bored of this color, which is strange considering my short attention span for just about everything else. I could look at the color pink for the rest of my life and be absolutely content. I also feel like it’s the color that most expresses who I am. I am bright and bubbly. I am happy and friendly. I am pink.

Also for your information, my favorite crayon is “Tickle-me-pink.” Do you have a favorite crayon?

You make it work

I didn’t have my license until I was almost 19 because I didn’t think I needed it. I lived in a small town in Maryland and I could walk anywhere I needed to go. When I moved to Wisconsin, it was alarming to realize how far apart everything is spread. I did have a car for most of the time that I was living there.

During my time of state-hopping in 2010, I had decided not to pay my car payments. Eventually, they caught up with me and took the car a little past midnight. It scared the shit out of me. What will I do without a car? How will I get anything accomplished?

This has been a perpetual problem since I lost my car. I moved to Colorado in August of 2010 and at first, it wasn’t an issue because I didn’t have a job.  As for joy rides, Mom let me borrow her car. Then that car died and I was still unemployed so I was basically trapped in the house.

I got hired almost a year ago, after six months of unemployment, and there was some initial difficulty in getting me to and from work. I managed to make it work. When I moved out of my mother’s house, it was even more difficult to get rides, but my employers launched a new program where I would be able to work from home. Oh the joy of this announcement!

I quickly applied and I was one of the first accepted because I’m awesome at my job (it’s really easy). So now, I work at home. I’ve moved again since I started doing home-based, but it’s still the same. I stay at home and work and write. I clean a lot to keep my sanity intact. And since Josh had a car, we were able to get things accomplished: groceries, appointments, a new tattoo, etc.

Now that he doesn’t have a car, we’re stuck here together. He managed to get rides to work these last three days. And because of the snow, Mom couldn’t take me to get groceries these last couple of days. We’re still fine there… we will be for another few days but we’re out of chocolate milk and that’s a shame.

Josh was very upset when the car died and asked the same question I did, “What will we do?” I reassured him that we would be fine. It would suck for a couple of weeks, but we would make it work. He continued to lament the fact that he was car-less and I got angry with him. “Stop complaining. You’ll get a new car. You’re acting like this is the worst thing that could happen to you.”

And today, I am desperately wishing that we had a car. I feel bad for yelling at him and then doing the same thing he was. The pain under my right rib-cage started last night and it intensified this morning. I dealt with some health issues last summer and if this is the same thing, I’m going to scream. It got much worse much more quickly this time than last, which worries me.

I’ll make it work, because I always do. What other choice is there? I’m certainly not going to die. It might just hurt a lot for a while. I’m hoping I can hold out until Monday because that’s my next day off and I know I can get a ride to the clinic then. Can’t really afford to miss work.

I am looking forward to the pain pills they’ll give me because those things work amazingly on my headaches. Really kills all the pain, lol.

Oh and before I end this entry, I wanted to thank my recent new followers. So… thanks.

Updates on the novel

The last week has been a crazy one with the car accident on Sunday night and the nonsense of trying to get another car is exhausting. I’m hoping we have a short-term solution figured out which will hold us over until we move into our own place in May. That’s not too far away now…

I stopped writing my novel for almost a week. I think I was afraid to go back because I’m at the end of the Love section and I’m still not sure how to wrap up each of these sections. To combat that, I decided to start the Friendships section. At least I’m making headway on the novel, which is the most important thing. I wrote a total of 8 pages which is a success. I finished the entire story of Chris so now I’ve decided to go back and finish up Love.

I just need to come up with some way to wrap it up. It needs to be cohesive. I’m sort of hoping that I’ll just write the end and it’ll work out all on its own. I’m not sure that’s realistic.

Anyway, once Love gets finished, it’ll be the first complete section so it’ll be time for editing. My plan is to start editing on my day off this coming Monday. Once I have read through it, I’ll send it to my best friend, Sean, and my mother. They’ll be on the look-out for the silly errors I missed. After that? I guess it gets shelved until I have more content.

I would like to have rough drafts of all 6 sections by the end of the summer. The end of August to specific because goals are supposed to be. Published by the end of 2013? I think that might be possible, but I’ll have to wait and see. I can’t rush the process. It’ll take as long as it wants to get written and if I try to force it, it’ll be obvious.

Patience is a virtue I need to acquire.